The “Hot Yoga” Lawsuit

“They Said Detox. I Saw a Portal.”

Local accountant Dennis Griggs signed up for a free trial at HeatVana Yoga Studio, unaware that “Inferno Flow” was not metaphorical. After 15 minutes in 112°F heat, Dennis claims he hallucinated his 7th grade gym teacher and the smell of Axe body spray.

“Everyone was chanting. I thought I joined a lava cult,” he said, still clutching his soaked mat.

He’s filed a class-action suit alleging psychological dehydration, spiritual combustion, and “excessive chakra pressure.”

The studio’s lawyer responded: “He was in Child’s Pose for three minutes. That’s not trauma. That’s Tuesday.”

Other attendees say Dennis screamed “I see my past!” during Warrior II and fled into the juice bar, where he tried to baptize himself in coconut water.

The case is pending, but Dennis has launched a support group: *Too Hot to Om*, offering cold yoga pop-ups and emotional towels.

The studio now requires waivers for anyone who identifies as “emotionally spicy.”

Auf Wiedersehen, amigos.